id: 8210 - Text: Dear Patrick,
There are a lot of things in your interview that really hit home with me as I watched every second of your interview.
When you spoke about addiction and that the biggest misconception is that it is a choice and the feeling of not being in control.
The first 4 years of my life when I lived with my biological mother I experienced physical, sexual and psychological abuse. I was also neglected to the point she would lock me in a room for several days so that the neighbors couldn't hear me by the front door and call CPS on her while she went out and partied for days.
I was very malnourished and underfed.
I sometimes wonder how a child could survive such things.
As an adult I have a pretty bad eating disorder where I will binge eat and now as an adult I am very much so morbidly obese.
I regularly hear people talk about how fat people have no self control etc. However, I know that the underlying issues are much deeper than that and it's psychological issues for many if not most people battling food and eating disorders.
Society is much more accepting and sympathetic of an attractive woman that is a crack addict then an obese person such as myself, because obesity is obviously labeled unattractive and therefore an obese person is unworthy of empathy.
When someone looks at you they don't see a crack addict. They see a handsome 40-something year old man. But for me I can not hide my addiction. I literally wear it like a suit of shame and gluteny. Bearing my biggest, darkest vulnerability to be seen and judged under the spotlight of all who look upon my body.
It goes far beyond will power. It is almost like my body just goes into auto pilot and my consciousness goes behind some curtain until after I have binged then the self hatred, disgust and frustration comes at me 1000%.
I bore self loathing into myself and deep into the wounded inner child within.
They say no one will treat you worse than you will treat yourself and in my case this is so very true. I feel like my food addiction is very similar to your crack addiction.
What we have is not a subsistence addiction but a addiction to self loathing and self hatred.
I often think about this and how I'm not really punishing myself but the innocent inner child.
That being the original victim of whoever blew the first blow to our innocent souls.
You referred to a person who you get drugs from as your "friend" and that you are very giving to everyone because you want to be loved..
They are no more your friend than a car salesman or an insurance salesman is their clients friend.
They are leeches because of the money or drugs you share with them.
This isn't a reflection of you but merely a reflection of themselves.
If you take a step back and think about it... A real friend or someone who really cares about you would not let you buy the bullets from them for the gun you want to shoot yourself with.
You talked about the people who you love and who love you and how you blow them off and because of the guilt you feel you do more drugs because it causes a momentary distraction.
This is like someone dying from a snake bite, who instead of going to the hospital to get anti-venom they try and get the snake to bite them more.
You're giving the best of yourself to the wrong people.
YOU deserve to be loved.
You deserve to have a wife and children and you deserve to receive that love from them and them from you!
I can't even begin to imagine how lucky such a family would feel and be to be loved by you!
You are NOT disgusting.
You are human.
Not one of us are perfect. You can not strive for perfection because you are setting yourself up for sure failure.
Just take it one day at a time and next thing you know all those days add up to one more day closer to your freedom from the demon that is addiction.
I noticed you do a lot of negative self talk as well. You need to stop that!
You need to stop talking about statics, and I woulda shoulda couldas!
You are NOT a statistic you are a fucking living breathing, EXISTING human being!
You EXIST. You're NOT just some floating head in some first person lala land.
You are here for a reason and were born for a reason!
Who knows how many people you could be helping or how many lives you have and will save (including your own) for doing this interview!
I liked that your sponsor said God loves you because he does!
To God you are not putting drugs into a grow man, you are putting drugs into that innocent 4 year old little boy. His child. His love for you is so unconditional you cant even imagine! I know it breaks his heart every time you harm yourself. Not because he is disappointed in you but because of how much he loves you, if only you could see how precious you are through his eyes you would understand.
<3
I also wanted to tell you not to worry if you don't pass the civil engineer test. You obviously can and are more than smart enough to, You can take it again.
Start using sentences like
"When I get sober I'm going to..."
"I can't be friends with you anymore."
"No I don't want to meet you at..."
"I got to cut you off man, this is too toxic for me."
"When I get sober"...
"When I get married..."
"When I become a civil engineer..."
"Now that I'm sober, I can. . ."
You need to start by cutting off and out all the leeches. By doing that you will prevent all those demons from having the time of their lives watching you guys destroy each other and yourselves.
God Bless you!
Sending you all my love,
Shannon
id: 8213 - Text: Everything he said about crack and sex is the same with meth and sex. It opens a Pandora's box of lewdness, nastiness, and depravity that hooks you like a fish on a pole. I know the struggle, and I pray Patrick you find peace, brother. You are still here and have so much to give.
id: 8231 - Text: Found it extremely interesting that his binges and sex acts while on a run almost exactly mimic the abuse he experienced as a young child 4-5, with woman who were older, and the experience being almost the same while high🤔makes me think how the two are ultimately connected
id: 8235 - Text: To this day I don’t crave regular sex but let me do a hot rail and I’ll be be gone for months on a terrible meth and sex binge it goes hand in hand for me I can’t smoke or do meth without getting stuck for days having sex
id: 8236 - Text: Same with Cocaine and Sex as well
id: 8239 - Text: @BP-or2iu it’s more so the fantasy of sex and how your imagination can run wild. I used too get lost inside these insane sexual fantasies where I would just be sitting on the couch with my limp dick imagining that I’m going to be the next big pornstar.
It’s insane what it does too your mind and it never really leaves you. Both cocaine and meth have done this too me and many others.
id: 8240 - Text: @dxrules1012 Yeah I know. Same thing with me. The fantasies. They’re depraved and stuff I never thought about at any other time. I would start texting girls really inappropriate things, thinking they wanted to hear it. I was referring to I thought he meant he was actually having sex.
id: 8241 - Text: @TheRealWhiteMoney nah cocaine and Adderall aren't really sexual, but for some reason crack and meth are. Neither were my drugs did try all of them though, but alcohol and opioids led me to binges like this where I just stopped caring about anything else In the world only getting more and more until I was basically 75% dead barely breathing
id: 8242 - Text: Xpills too. It'll have you craving sex, but unable to get an erection.
id: 8352 - Text: Really sad. Seems like a real good guy. Never heard of crack turning anyone into a sex predator tho 🤷🏻♂️👀